


doesn't feel like dying, feels like living

by MidnightDancer



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Depression, Gen, M/M, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-20
Updated: 2014-05-20
Packaged: 2018-01-25 19:50:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1660412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightDancer/pseuds/MidnightDancer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You fall to your knees; there’s nothing left in you. Nothing worth keeping, nothing worth saving. There is no hope left; the darkness has found you is covering you is swallowing you whole.</p>
            </blockquote>





	doesn't feel like dying, feels like living

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic in the Shameless fandom and my first proper fanfic (and writing pretty much) in years so I'm a bit nervous about posting but you can't improve if no one else reads your stuff, right? Therefore... constructive criticism is welcome and very much appreciated.

You trudge through the thoughts swirling and simmering in your mind, slow as molasses, until you end up at the center of your thoughts. There's darkness; the blackest black of all. The tendrils fasten themselves to your skin, suckling like little babes. You're trying to protect yourself, to hide what's important to you but you're exposed completely. You feel the the happiness and joy draining out of you, leaving you choked, hunched over with vomit sitting threatening at the back of your throat. Tears are spilling over and you suck them in greedily, the only thing to sustain you, while the darkness grows and grows and grows.

You try to rip the suckers off, to turn around and run away. To escape the darkness that's gaining power over you. The one now screaming at you. "You are a worthless piece of shit. No one wants you. No one needs you. You're a disappointment to everyone you know."

You stuff your fingers in your ears to block it out but it's so loud. It's vibrating through you and it's tearing you apart because you weren't made to withstand it all. You fall to your knees; there's nothing left in you. Nothing worth keeping, nothing worth saving. There is no hope left; the darkness has found you is covering you swallowing you whole.

You're drowning drowning drowning; there is no escape in sight. It's all dark, so dark and the voice doesn't stop.

"Did you really think you'd become a soldier, boy? You're just brawn, no brain."

Your dreams were crumbling in your hands destroyed by your own fists.

"Did you really think he'd love you? Why would he love you when you've got nothing left to give? You are nothing, you were nothing and you will be nothing. Isn't that right?"

And you nod because what else is there to do? It's true. That's when you give up, when you succumb to the darkness. You let it feed on you, on what's left.

Suddenly there's a voice whispering in your ear with tenderness and warmth. "Ian. Ian, wake up. Come back." You're sure you're hallucinating; your sanity eaten up by the darkness. You try closing your eyes but you can't because it's not so dark anymore. The darkness is getting lighter and lighter, fading into gray, into white.

Your throat loosens, allowing you to breathe. You suck in all the air, no longer tasting like death and decay but sweet like candy and freshly cut grass.

You must be dying and you're going to heaven because why else would this be happening?

But it doesn't feel like dying. It feels like living. (And let's be honest... who would let you into heaven in the first place?)

There's someone calling out to you, drawing you to the surface of your mind. You're floating up up up away from the darkness hissing at you , defeated but not yet beaten forever.

You're slowly coming back, feeling warmth on your cheek and your arm moving in slow tender motions, grounding you in reality. You take a deep breath and slowly open your eyes.

You're staring up into the clearest sea and the sun is shining down on you.

Blueblue eyes are filled with warmth and the small smile playing along full lips warms you, is the sun and the light you've been missing.

You hear him clear his throat. He opens his mouth, tongue darting out to wet lips and he says "Welcome back. Don't leave again, asshole".

You can do nothing but stare into his eyes and whisper "Hi".

You're not okay, not yet, might not ever fully be but with him at your side you feel like you can beat anything.


End file.
